I just copied the note that I wrote on Facebook here. I copied the stuff from the Bathroom Wall though. This person's smart! Enjoy! ;)
1. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
2. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest!
3. If 90% of the people in the world don’t have it, why do they call it common sense?
4. It is better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
5. I’m right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 3%?
6. When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone!
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. A good friend will come bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “That was awesome.”
9. If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
10. Have you ever noticed anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
11. I doubt therefore I might be.
12. You don’t have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
13. Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
14. Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
15. Just because I picked the TV over you doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
16. I’m giving up on love because love is giving up on me.
17. I smile because I have no idea what is going on.
18. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
19. Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
20. A day without sunshine is like… night.
21. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
22. 84.1% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
23. I’m not paranoid… but I know that you think I am.
24. I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!
25. I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other, and when I am alone I am together.
26. If you wish on a falling star it might come true… Unless it’s a meteor hurdling to earth… Then no wishes come true… Unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth.
27. The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
28. Since history never stops, when does the future begin?
29. People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
30. Did you ever notice when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”
31. The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.
32. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
33. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
34. Practice makes perfect but no one is perfect so why practice?
35. If tomorrow is going to be twice as cold as it is today, and if today is 0 degrees, how cold will it be tomorrow?
36. When people say “Expect the unexpected,” doesn’t that mean the unexpected is expected?
37. Isn’t it scary to know what doctors do for a living is called “practice”?
38. Would a fly without wings be called a “walk”?
39. How do you throw away a trash can?
40. If quitters never win and winners never quit who came up with “Quit while you’re ahead”?
41. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
42. Why is it that when something is sent in a car, it’s called a shipment, yet when it’s sent in a ship, it’s called cargo?
43. How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink?
44. If psychics know the winning lottery numbers why are they still working?
45. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?
46. What is the speed of dark?
47. Why do people ask if they can “borrow” a piece of paper? Do they really plan on returning it?
48. If an orange is called an orange then why isn’t a banana called a yellow?
49. If a pizza is round then why do they make the box square?
50. Why does the sun darken your skin, but lighten your hair?
51. To the crazy man, the normal person is insane.
52. If repetition is the key to learning, and repetition is a sign of stupidity, does that make learning stupid?
53. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are a billion stars in the universe, you will believe him, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure?
54. If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go on forever?
55. Its bad luck to be superstitious.
56. You know the saying “Quit while your ahead”. Well, if you are ahead why would you want to quit?
57. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
58. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is the homeless or naked?
59. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
60. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
61. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
62. Life is wasted on the living.
63. What’s styrofoam packed with?
64. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
65. When life gives you lemons, throw them back and say “MAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN LEMONADE!!!”
66. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
67. Love doesn’t always heal wounds. Strength doesn’t always assure victory. Denial doesn’t always prevent the inevitable. But revenge is always sweet to the bitter.
68. Always remember- when a guy sweeps you off your feet, he is in the perfect position to drop you on your butt.
69. I ran into my ex the other day… Put it in reverse, AND HIT HIM AGAIN!
70. I laugh in the face of danger, then I hide till it goes away.
71. You say you dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me.
72. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
73. Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the doorbell and run away… he hates that.
74. Just be yourself. Everyone else is taken.
75. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
76. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
77. I don’t like you, you don’t like me...we’re on even grounds…
78. Love and war are the same. One minute you are winning it and the next you’re dying because of it…
79. I could be nicer to you but what fun will that be?
80. I can be one of those bad things that happen to bad people.
81. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils
82. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
83. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
84. It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
85. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
86. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
87. I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
88. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep—not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
89. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
Hold my purse.
90. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
91. Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
92. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
93. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
94. Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.
95. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
96. What you call dog with no legs? Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.
97. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
98. What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
99. How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?
100. I have opinions of my own—strong opinions—but I don’t always agree with them
101. The meek shall inherit the Earth after we’re done with it.
102. Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
103. Money can’t buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
104. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
105. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
106. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
107. Work is the curse of the drinking class.
108. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
109. Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
110. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
111. I don’t know. I don’t care. And it doesn’t make any difference.
112. We are the people our parents warned us about.
113. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
114. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
115. Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
116. Can you give me directions? Ive never been sober in this part of town before.
117. Excuse me ma’am, but I have no depth perception. Is there a cop standing on the corner or do you have a little person stuck in your hair?
118. When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let people wonder how you did it.
119. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
120. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic’?
121. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
122. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
123. Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
124. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
125. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
126. What do people in China call their good plates?
127. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
128. On Gilligan’s Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?
129. Can blind people see in their dreams? Do they dream?
130. If Wile E.Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn’t he just buy dinner?
131. Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?
132. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
133. If your driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony?
134. How far east can you go before you’re heading west?
135. If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
136. When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
137. Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
138. Can you daydream at night?
139. Can animals commit suicide?
140. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
141. Why do people say beans beans the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?
142. If laughter is the best medicine, who’s the idiot that said they ‘died laughing’?
143. If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
144. Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
145. Can a short person “talk down” to a taller person?
146. Do prison buses have emergency exits?
147. When lightning strikes the ocean why don’t all the fish die?
148. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
149. Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
150. Why do we sing “Rock a bye baby” to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
151. What does PU stand for (as in “PU, that stinks!“)?
152. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
153. If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
154. Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
155. How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
156. If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
157. What happens to an irrisitable force when it hits an immovable object?
158. Are children who act in rated ‘R’ movies allowed to see them?
159. What would happen to the sea’s water level if every boat in the World was taken out of the water at the same time?
160. Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?
161. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
162. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
163. If one man says, “it was an uphill battle,” and another says, “it went downhill from there,” how could they both be having troubles?
164. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
165. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
166. Can you cry under water?
167. Why do they put holes in crackers?
168. Why don’t woodpeckers get headaches when they slam their head on a tree all day?
169. If an escalotor breaks down, does it become stairs?
170. Do stuttering people stutter when they’re thinking to themselves?
171. If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?
172. Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?
173. If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
174. In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
175. How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
176. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
177. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
178. If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
179. Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
180. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
181. When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
182. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
183. Does the postman deliver his own mail?
184. What happens when you put hand sanitizer on a place other then your hand?
185. Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?
186. How come you can kill a deer and put it up on your wall. but it’s illegal to keep one as a pet?
187. If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?
188. If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
189. When you’re caught “between a rock and a hard place”, is the rock not hard?
190. Doesn’t a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
191. If you soak a raisin in water, does it turn back into a grape?
192. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
193. What is another word for “thesaurus”?
194. If people from Mexico are aliens, and people from outer space are aliens, does that mean Mexicans are from outer space?
195. Only when the last tree has died, the last river has been poisoned, and the last fish has been caught will we realize we cannot eat money.
196. If your against logging, try using plastic toilet paper.
197. Is it ironic for someone with ADD to drive a ford focus?
So yeah, that's it! This is my farewell now!
Bye my soon to be retards! Follow my footsteps!
